There is a place in the night that is later than the late shows. It is way more night than Nick at Night. It is deeper into the darkness than infomercials. Here in this deep dark night live reruns of the original Batman Series.  With my velvet blue recliner leaned back as far as it could go, my legs crossed, and my hand comfortably placed under the rubber band of my britches I spent many college nights watching Adam West defeat Gotham’s villains (and sharks). Only 6 years ago I was a night owl and was certain I would stay that way.

Last night I went to bed at 8:45pm.

This stark contrast is due to the rhythms that my wife and I are committed to. We once read that you will be more in love and have more sex (can the two be separated in marriage?) if you don’t have a TV in your room and go to bed at the same time. We keep these rules. So when my wife became pregnant (proof of the success of sticking to the rules) our bedtime crept to pre-nightly news territory.

Taryn falls asleep around 9pm every night. Whether people are over or she is reading a book she “rests her eyes” for just a moment. Then a sound will startle her and she will wake up and say “I don’t know why I am so tired?”

In the early months of pregnancy I would giggle at this statement and lift her off of the couch and in the direction of bed. After months of this routine I now lovingly respond, “Why are you so tired? Perhaps it is that human inside of you stealing all of the nutrients from the food you consume! Maybe it is the twenty-pound bag of groceries that you carry around while you work an eight hour day! Perhaps your body is suggesting that you slow down and nurture the additional human your designed-for-one faculties are supporting!” Yet even with this very kind and rational response every night Taryn flutters her eyes open and groggily asks “why do you think I am so tired?”

Her nightly confusion has me reflecting on the work of nurturing. Most of us don’t know what it means to nurture anything (remember that herb garden you planted and killed?) and if we do we rarely prioritize that work. Instead we prioritize winning, accomplishing, and defeating. There are races to be won, companies to start, and deals to seal. We think that striving is the real work. We think that the things beyond us that we go out and get will give life its significance.

I was in that frame of mind when I left my job last October. From the day that I resigned I began searching job websites like I was looking for my missing child. I was certain that the job that I would find would be what I needed to quiet my vocational angst. In all of my clicking and scrolling I found nothing. It was this powerlessness (and my friends and family) that drove me to focus more on nurturing what was already inside of me. They all said that if I spent time in silence, asked good questions, and pursued the things that my heart cares about that I would find the richness I desired. For four months I did just that. The results? I sent in only one resume (to Pixar–I just had to try) and oddly received 6 different job offers.

Maybe it’s not that easy (THE work was certainly not easy for me) and the above story feels trite. But what if we really do have everything we need? There is a verse in the Christian scriptures that says God has given us everything that we need to live a full and righteous life. But we don’t often believe that. We have instincts (that are fueled by the U.S’s culture of dominance) that tell us to defeat, conquer, win, and accomplish a full life and that the ends always justify the means. That is a narrative of scarcity based on finding joy through acquisition. In that story we end up with whatever we can get for ourselves and this promotes anxiety, greed, competition, and violence.

So what if there was a different way?

What if we have everything we need to be content? What if we have everything we need to get that company started? What if we have everything we need to improve our relationships at work? What if we have everything we need to improve our living situation? What if we have everything we need to make that difficult decision? What if our churches have everything they need to love our neighbors? What if we have everything we need within us to overcome our addictions and fears? If we have everything that we need then the work is not to stay up until Batman Hours working, winning, and scheming…the work is to nurture what is inside of you. It is to feed, educate, and train what is already there.

No book, class, vitamin or doula is going to make my son healthier (in fact, the anxiety that is created by the culture of such things may do more harm than good) than if his mama goes to bed when she feels like it. She is not lazy and denying the work required to be a good mother. Rather she understands that she has been given everything that she needs and the real hard work is to nurture what is already within her.

I recently wrote a little column for my neighborhood’s paper, the Hayes Valley Voice. Its about being a dad. Which I will be in (am I already?) in about 10 weeks!

The print version is for RESIDENTS ONLY. SO MOVE HERE ALEADY!

You will have to settle for the online link. Smilies.

http://hayesvalleysf.org/blog/my-hayes-village/2012/04

30 people debating eggs. None were thrown, but the conversation was loud enough to rattle the walls of the 100-year-old church. The debate was not over scrambled, poached, or sunny side up. It was 2008 and it was time for Californians, specifically this group of Christians, to vote on proposition 2.

Proposition 2 prohibits all confinement of farm animals that does not allow them space to freely roam. The proposition, if voted through, would rid California of egg laying factories and increase the standards given to hen farmers.

As earth loving, organic eating, Christians this seemed like a no-brainer. God says to love and nurture the earth so the more organic the better! It makes sense to get rid of the bacteria carrying hen houses and support small family farmers. Exactly like Jesus would do!

But then one person brought up a dissenting view. He shared that 95% of the California $648 million egg industry value would be lost by 2015, including an even more significant loss of 3,500 jobs that the egg industry employs. In addition to fewer jobs he shared that eggs are an affordable source of protein. Using scripture he pointed out that Christians are also called to love and serve the poor. If the price of a dozen eggs was to double, would that in fact be looking out for those in California that need to feed families of four for under $5/meal?

These considerations were reason for pause among the churchgoers. It was a complex proposition with complex implications. It was not as easy as their hippie Jesus idealogy led them to believe.

The debate continued and although there was now some disagreement, they all wanted wanted to vote in a way that was in line with their larger values. Their meeting concluded with a decision to research a bit more. Each person committed to contacting a local farmer to discuss what they thought of the proposition and to abstain from eating eggs for the week as to notice their reliance on the protein.

This small group of voters modeled the work we should all do if we intend to have profound and meaningful futures. My friend and consultant Ron Carucci calls it decoding and encoding. We must decode our past behaviors and opinions and encode our desired future.

In the last post I mentioned that a sign of maturity is to be aware that our present actions may be about more than our present circumstances. This is decoding. We must become familiar with our reptilian, natural reactions to things. Do you tend to over commit yourself? Why is that? Do you avoid conflict? Why is that? Do you get really excited when people talk about their feelings? Why is that? This is the work of decoding. Decoding our past is the first step in reshaping it (if it is leading us to undesired results).

But decoding is not enough. We need both the chicken and the egg. We need to encode. Ron describes encoding by saying “The greater challenge is moving beyond awareness and implementing necessary formation.” Implementation of anything requires work. THE work. And I believe that this encoding requires the four P’s (I know its silly. But I was/am a pastor, remember?). I will be brief, but the work is not so. Encoding requires purpose, plan, pause, and partners.

Purpose: What desires do you have for your future? Do you want to be a more available friend? Do you want to spend more time with your children? Do you want to be a kinder manager? Do you want to vote on Proposition 2 in a way that honors your religious tradition? Encoding your future begins with laying out your desired future. Try it. In one area of your life write down one new desired future. This is your purpose.

Plan: You have a finish line, how will you train to get there? The egg debating church made a plan to talk to a farmer and abstain from eating eggs. This can often be the most difficult part and may require a good deal of creativity. This is usually where our New Year’s resolutions crumble. Which is where the next two Ps come in. But try it. Make a brief plan to achieve the purpose you have written down

Pause: You cannot encode your future without times of rest and pause. Steve mentioned this in the comments of the last post. I know that we are all busy and I don’t care. On Sunday afternoons my wife and I stop what we are doing and map out our weeks. We do this so that we can make time for our purposes (and hopefully the plans that go with them). Schedule in your pauses.

Partner: Everyone needs a buddy. To be honest, if I was a member of that eggy church I would have gone to the poles and voted without thinking critically. But that community of faith challenged each other to a better purpose and process. I find I need partners now more than ever if I intend to encode any of my future. Write down at least one person who can assist you in your work.

In the last post I mentioned Jason Russell from the KONY2012 campaign. I also mentioned that his outburst could have been avoided had he known how to decode and encode by using purpose, plan, pause, and partner. I may have spoken too strongly (as Rafa explains well in the comments). However, if you are going to prepare something as big as the KONY campaign you must work equally as hard at decoding and encoding. If you are working on something that is going to be in the public eye, cost millions of dollars, or require 60 hour work weeks then you must work even harder to decode and encode.

Could Jason’s disappointing meltdown have been avoided? Maybe not. But perhaps with more of the work outlined above he could have melted down more like a candle than Chernobyl.

And maybe the meltdowns are inevitable and I am an idealist. Maybe it is only in breakdown, failure, and rejection that we will learn. But I believe we can reflect on and rehearse all of those things without deeply hurting others and ourselves. Which, in the end, is why they gathered to talk about eggs – to take seriously the work of a better future for everyone. May we take our futures as seriously as they take their eggs.

Remember the KONY2012 video? That’s right. We’re going way back to February for a moment. We can do it.

The video, produced by the non-profit organization Invisible Children, is about brutal Ugandan military leader Joseph Kony and the hateful acts that should and must be stopped. The video became an internet sensation and has been viewed more than 90 million times.

Then days after the posting of the video Jason Russell, the filmmaker and star of the film, was detained and hospitalized after being seen naked and making crude gestures on the streets of his neighborhood.

Everyone who is not a total asshole was saddened and confused by this news. Upon hearing this, the internet combusted with hypothesis for Jason’s actions. “Was it demonic possession? Was he high on cough syrup? Was it just a promotional stunt to get more people to watch his video?”

Everyone was asking “What was THAT about?”

“What was THAT about?” seems to be the sentiment of the day. It is what we say when a character’s actions do not seem appropriate for the scene. It is what we say when a best friend won’t return our phone calls. It is what we ask when someone cries while in line at the grocery store. It is what we say when a colleague storms out of a meeting discussion about where you are going to order lunch.  It is what we ask when someone begins a hateful debate about diaper preference in a Facebook post. What was THAT about?

I believe that this question is about character.

A sign of budding maturity is the ability to notice our habits and compulsions in real time. Then proof of good character is the ability to notice these habits and change them when they do not align with our larger values or who we long to be.

This is difficult for two reasons. First, rarely do we allow ourselves the time or have the courage to reflect on what we are feeling. We say things like “It’s just how it is” or “I don’t know why I do that” or “I can’t control how I feel.” All of these things are cowardly excuses for our laziness.

Secondly and perhaps more difficult is the ability and commitment to trace our behaviors back to their source. I have written about this a number of times on this blog. We all have core stories, scenes, and characters that have impacted our lives. Some of us don’t know our biological fathers, were fired from our first job, or grew up in an emotionally abusive church. These things affect your present behavior. There is a reel of the past playing in your head and projecting onto the screen of today.

When someone asks you “What was THAT about?” you can be sure that the picture they are seeing is blurry. The greek word for this blurry image is hupokrinomai – which means to display inconsistencies.  The world sees these displayed inconsistent images and are no longer sure which one is the real story.

And we all do it.

I believe that Jason Russell is a wonderful man. I believe that his work is beautiful and important. I also believe (perhaps ignorantly) that whatever happened that day could have been prevented. And I believe that we can work to clear up our inconsistent answering and avoid those “what was THAT about” moments.

More on that in the next post…

Today is tax day. While I am no tax expert (I have my genius accountant of a Father in Law do our taxes), I do take advantage of my wife’s Time magazine subscription and tune in to my silvery foxy friend Anderson Cooper and thus I am aware of the present 2012 tax debate.

The debate first got feisty on January 24th when Mr. Romney posted his tax statement on his campaign’s website. These less than pellucid statements promoted President Obama to say “show me where your money is hiding, rich boy!” He even got on Twitter and invented the hashtag #whatsromneyhiding. I assume we are all hiding something, so I hope Barack never creates a #whatsJarrodhiding. Regardless of whether or not Romney’s tax information is sufficient, Obama wants to use the information to show that the existing tax structures allow Governor Romney to amass wealth under regulations that are very different than the corner store worker, entrepreneur, or assembly line worker.

I will not pretend for a moment that I understand how the tax burden should be shared. And I will not say any more as to expose my political and economic ignorance. However, I do notice that Governor Romney is not willing to share additional information that may expose his advantage. He is protecting the rules that reinforce his advantage and thus appears to be unwilling to help carry the burden that is shared by all US citizens.

_______

Sarah was healthy, bright, wealthy, and respected by many. She had a home in the hills of Berkeley, California, was grounded in her extended family, and had an address book full of contacts. There was one problem however. She was approaching menopause, unmarried and without children, and facing the daily biological and psychological reminders that it is “not good to be alone.”

Her feelings resulted in an all out, desperate, search for intimacy. She fell in love with five or six men over the course of a year. All of these men would grow close, hear the details of her storied life, and then disappear.

This loneliness was given language in her very loud but always whispered “no one understands me.” And she was right. There was one dark and web covered corner of her life that she never shared with anyone. At the age of 13 she experienced sexual abuse at the hands of a classmate. She stayed silent because she had a fear of both being exposed before the world and of the possible rejection that would follow. Her fear kept others from approaching. Their distance kept her and her burden in hiding.

With nowhere to turn she finally went to the pastor of her local church. She shared the story of her abuse while sitting across from the man and his great wall of books. After hearing all of this, the pastor leaned back and said “this has been going on too long. It is time for you to forgive that man and love him as God would love him. Forgive and forget, Sarah.” The invitation to forgetfulness was not what she had hoped for. She went to her pastor hoping that he would share in her burden, instead she was told to forget that it was there.

_______

The streets were lined four or five heads deep. The narrow road only grew narrower as people inched forward to see the prophet stumbling. With soldiers walking along on each side of him, a man named Jesus carried the beams of timber that would host his death.

With Jesus’ body weakening and still a good distance to their destination, the Roman soldiers turned to the crowd for someone to help carry the burden. Roman soldiers had the authority to enlist any citizen into temporary service and began to scan the large crowd. Finally their gaze landed on a man named Simon. Simon stood like a kid in a classroom who doesn’t want to be called on by his teacher. Then the scriptures tell us that the Roman soldiers “forced him to carry the cross.”

And he did. Simon took the weight of the cross and walked.

_______

I do not believe that the rich are evil, that pastors mean harm, or that those with authority plan to abuse it (rather, I believe that everyone is doing his or her best). The problem is that our vision for what is a burden to others is skewed as we grow in affluence and authority.

Additionally, there is isolation and pressure in carrying a burden that should be shared. Isolation turns burdens chronic. These are the burdens of physical pain, financial insolvency, unemployment, depression, abuse, parenting, and even leading. These things should not be burdens for individual humans – they are the burdens of humanity.

The cure to these burdens is connection.

Our disconnection and obsession with power, success, and wealth keeps us separate. Like a large family hiring 75 Ford F150s to move their belongings, we never stop to think that perhaps we could have just shared a moving truck – that all of our burdens could be shared at a lesser cost.

Today I wonder how we can embrace (not avoid with money and power) other’s burdens and share (not deny or isolate) our personal pain. I believe that if we can figure this out much debt, loneliness, and heartache will be cured.

In the last 30 years there has been a spike in books, conferences, and talking heads on the theme of creativity. You know the book covers. They incorporate neon colors and use made up words like IMAGINEERING and ARTAMAGICIAN and CREATIVATORIUM. In many of these books you will find two words that most say are crucial to all creative projects. The words are “divergence” and “convergence.” I am coming to see that these words are also crucial for living out our true vocations.

Divergence is considering new possibilities through exploration and wonder. It is brainstorming, asking new questions, and elaborating what already exists. Divergence is considering anything. Divergence is getting high and wide. Convergence, on the other hand, is sorting the options. Convergence is developing, enriching, and finalizing your ideas. Convergence is moving from anything to something.

The aforementioned INNOVATILUTIONARY authors all agree that you cannot get to convergence without divergence. They agree that you cannot arrive at something without going through anything.

6 years ago I made a crayon drawing of what I thought was THE something. Sitting at a Macaroni Grill in Los Angeles with two of my dear friends we cleared out the plates, dodged the olive oil puddles, and sketched a plan for starting a faith community in San Francisco. In the following years while my friend’s “somethings” changed slightly, I continued to feel like my something was to start a church in San Francisco. Perhaps you have your own crayon sketch of something — five year plan, career track, or city to move to.

Fast forward to last October. I am a pastor in San Francisco. I had arrived at my something. I was happy. Yet I (and those that helped me discern) felt it time to for me to move into a season of anything. I resigned.

Since leaving my position as a pastor, I have had sleepless nights and a perma-raised heart rate as I look for my new something (I have written about this more than Michael Pollan writes about food). I have been impatient, hasty, and anxious. I have tried developing, finalizing, and defending possibilities that were not ready for it. What I have come to see if that I have given little time to diverging. I have not picked up the crayon and returned to the proverbial drawing board (or tablecloth in this case).

We spend most of our lives fearful of not finding something but too scared to try anything. It’s why we love maps and no longer know how to use a compass. We would much rather know the route (or 3. thanks Steve Jobs!) to our destination than wander in a North Easterly direction. Like a wanderer without a map, life’s exploration involves getting lost, finding dead ends, and starting over again. Few of us chose this method to arrive at our next destination. To diverge is a risk that few are willing to take yet we long for the convergence that follows.

Then as a result we often confuse which part of the process we are in. When you tell yourself that you are doing something (convergence) when really you are doing anything (divergence), you try too hard, over extend yourself, and turn into a sales person. This results in lots of “big talk” and making inflated promises in an effort to get people (and your subconscious self) on board with your plan.

If you have already arrived at something but have never tried anything, chances are you that you are living someone else’s story (likely your parents’), have lost your internal locus of control (likely because of trauma or betrayal) or perhaps you are lucky and God has given you your perfect something. If you are the lucky one you should know that most people want to give you the finger. Regardless, it is important to recognize the time for and necessity of both divergence and convergence.

I recently sat down with the Bishop of California. He said that making good decisions (career one’s specifically) is to learn how to navigate the paradox of patience in the midst of crisis. It’s trusting that the scary unknowns of divergence at some point converge to give life to a new something.

I am learning to give good time to both divergence and convergence but this is difficult when we need a paycheck, really want to leave our job, or don’t know which business idea to run with. We want the security of something without the exploration of anything. But it is as the Bishop said, the goal is not to rush to a new something but to gain a deeper understanding of the paradox — of my gifts and limits, my true and false self, and my superficial hopes and deeper desires. Only in accepting this paradox of both divergence and convergence can we work and live more gracefully, within the whole of our being.

A business school graduate working as a pastor is not nearly as provocative as a pastor working for a business. What’s that about?

Regardless, I am currently working with Social Capital Markets (or SOCAP as the youngins call it) on a couple of upcoming events. While to some (Hi Grandpa!) this may feel like a drastic turn from my work as a pastor, I am finding SOCAP invites investors, executives, and entrepreneurs to embody ideals that transcend the business world.

While Wall Street executives continue to drive voice activated Bentleys, my friends at SOCAP believe that there is a way to do business that is good – to people, to places, and to the financial bottom line.  Founder of SOCAP (and GoodCap), Kevin Jones explains what he hopes to do as an investor and CEO when he says “the mission should drive the profit margin.” That is either socialist idealism or a man that believes organizations can stay true to the reasons they were created instead of just being about profit.

Any entrepreneur (for profit, non-profit, or even church planter) will tell you that they started their organization to meet a very specific need in a specific way.  Entrepreneurs have a unique mission to solve a unique problem. These seemingly irrational people have visions for a different way of making ice cream, getting money to impoverish nations, building sustainable houses in Mumbai, or living in community. Whatever the mission may be these missions often get lost as the organization needs to be marketed, regulated, and ultimately made profitable.

And if you can hold on to your mission and be profitable, there still remains the “Ben and Jerry’s Problem.” The Ben and Jerry’s problem can be described as what happens when a small entrepreneurial venture becomes successful (often times because they are stay aligned to a very specific and core mission) and are purchased by larger corporations that eventually suck the mission out of the organization. In Kevin’s opinion this can be avoided by burying your mission in your supply chain.

What is a supply chain? A Supply chain is a group of entities that, taking raw or natural resources, come together to provide a completed product to the consumer. So take your computer (or smart phone) for example. The machine you are on is made of copper, oil, lead, aluminum and other raw materials. This is then made into thousands of tiny parts. These parts were all then shipped to a manufacturing center that built the product. It was then probably boxed somewhere else. And sold to you still somewhere else. You can see that there are many steps in a supply chain, but it is all of those steps that bring things to life. What Kevin is saying is that every step of our products’ supply chain should take into account it’s alignment with the larger mission of the organization.

I think that Kevin is correct (and that his call is non-negotiable for all businesses today), but I want to take it one step further.

I believe that off mission organizations are led by off mission processes that are created by off mission people. Thus in addition to burying our missions into our organization’s supply chains, we need to burry mission, purpose, and meaning into our daily lives. Our organization’s missions are interdependent on our personal ones. And if our organizations require that mission be buried in every aspect of the supply chain, perhaps it is time to consider our personal supply chains.

Supply chains are the steps that bring a product to life. What are the steps that bring you to life? Do you notice when your rhythms and routines are not in line with your goals? Physically are you aware of the ways that your sleep schedule, meals, and exercise impact you – the final product? At work do you continue to take coffee dates, meetings, and committee calls although they do not contribute to the mission you have for your day? Spiritually are you finding time for silence, solitude, and prayer?

Parker Palmer says that burnout is not simply running out of energy or creativity. Rather, he said, burnout is trying to give something that you never had to begin with. We cannot share meaningful ideas, sermons, books, or products if we have not experienced the richness of those things personally. Or as my seminary professor so poignantly stated and modeled, “we cannot take anyone further than we have gone ourselves.”

We have businesses, CEOs, and entrepreneurs who do not understand the connection between product, process, and producer. And it all begins with the producer. So if you want to have an organization (marriage, career, small group) that sticks to its mission, I’d suggest first articulating your own and sticking to it in every step of all that brings you life.

“The midwife uses her fingers to open her cervix, exposing the child’s head, though the mother is not quite ready. This is to help prevent more tearing along the mother’s previous episiotomy line.”

My wife stares at her phone like she is simultaneously watching a war documentary and an episode of Jackass. No need for a birthing class, we have seen it all on the internet.

Any 21^st century parent is aware of two things 1) BabyCenter.com and 2) Sophie the trendy teething giraffe. While I do not yet know the calm that gumming on Sophie brings, BabyCenter has provided thorough information to Taryn and I in regards to the development of our child. One such detail was revealed last week. In a daily email BabyCenter said that my two-pound fetus child boy now has taste buds and can taste the foods that his host (aka beautiful, curly haired, miracle maker, Taryn) consumes.

Even if you did not know me when I was 60lbs heavier, a few moments on this blog or on any of my social media profiles will clue you in to my epicurean nature. I am that guy who tries to avoid all canned food, shops at farmers markets, would cage fight Rachel Ray, and has themed cooking weeks. Ask me about Vietnamese week sometime.  I love to eat and cook good food.

Imagine my joy then when I realized that the meals I create could not only provide sustenance for Baby Shappell but that he could also taste that I didn’t over salt the pork and created great balance on the vegetable terrine!

These moments can be difficult to see when I am knee deep in the disappointment of not getting what I want (a job with a corner office, a 401k, and four weeks vacation).  My want tends to dull my senses to the needs of others.

Yet as my full-time work still unfolds I have found it important to slow down and think about such things — these small moments of utility during times of disappointment. Regardless of what desire of your heart is currently unmet, I know that there is a lawn that needs mowing, vegetables that need planted, houses that need painted, letters that need written, friends that need called, budgets that need balanced, songs that need sung, and bosses that need hugs. There are needs all around us that we can meet. And meeting these needs will not only help others but also provide a sense of purpose for yourself in a time when you feel like you have less use than a wrench.

So rather than whining about what you don’t have and you can’t do, appreciate what you can provide. We can’t provide what we don’t have but we all have something (time, insights, money, guest beds, pasta putanesca) that someone else is waiting for.

As an eight year old, I laid on the thick-gauged carpet and played with my Legos. I would primarily build phallic shaped space ships but at some point I became obsessed with building really tall castles. In order to get my creations to reach above the coffee table, the couch, and the kitchen island I would employ the use of my mom and dad’s very thick books. They were all manuals or research books — all at least 5 Legos high. These were the books that my dad (a computer engineer) and my mom (a radiologist) used to grow in knowledge of their career field.

Today my mom has 12 initials behind her name showing her dedication to certification and education in the field of radiology (if its more than 12 she will correct me immediately). My dad is one of the most loved employees in a company he has worked at for 16 years. When my Mom and Dad tell the stories of my Lego building days they tell stories of working on computers and taking x-rays and ultrasounds. For over 25 years they have generally been doing the same great work. This has been my example of what it means to work.

Dozens of books and articles have been written to juxtapose the Baby Boomer’s career stability with the lottery number of career changes that my generation will go through. And while I generally love statistics, there is nothing worse than someone who uses statistical evidence to reinforce their cowardice, laziness, or mismanagement of talent.  So I am not going to talk about my vocational struggle from a generational perspective (at least not in this post. Smile.) For me the vocational struggle is the unlearning of a lie.

For the last 2 months I have been saying, “just give me a job with benefits and a desk I can put a picture of my baby on.” This is a lie that my mind is telling my heart. My heart knows that there is something more unique to my work. In fact, I have done tireless self-reflection, coaching, and prayer around what I uniquely have to offer the world (other than my Lego skills). But when I consider leaping into this uniqueness I grow fearful.

The best place for fearful people is a career website. Career websites are hubs for people like myself, who do not want to attend networking events, create their own job, raise their own money, start their own company and ultimately share their own truth. I go to these sites believing the uniqueness that the Creator of the Universe put in me to share with the world will be captured by an HR associate’s one page job ad. So rather than living into my uniqueness and getting creative about how/when/where I work, I get back on Craigslist and search “management.”

For me, the temptation of homogeny is real. The temptation to do the status quo, the every day, and the inauthentic is loud. And this temptation is turned up as I/we find people, jobs, and communities that ask for nothing but assimilation. For myself, I have given into the temptation of “normal work.” I have refused creativity and risk in the name of finding a regular paycheck.

Last weekend, I had the privilege of leading a panel at an event that I helped coordinate here in San Francisco. Perched on a stool in front of 125 people or so, I asked the panelists what it costs to work with meaning. A new friend of mine, Ivan Gonzalez, leaned into the microphone and said that when you are living in the way that is most unique to you, “You might not be the richest there, but you’ll be the happiest.” What I have come to see in myself is that my mind thinks happiness is job security, a 401k, and steady pay. I do not yet believe that I will find happiness as I live into my uniqueness. I do however believe in the happiness provided by a $25 bottle of pinot noir that I bought with my hard earned money.

I know my mind is whispering the lie that fulfillment can be found in money, corner offices, and stock options. But I lie to myself all of the time. I’m now working on not believing them.

This may not be the lie that your mind tells your heart. Perhaps the lie is that you are unworthy, stuck in a marriage, doomed to debt, or never going to get clean. Those too are lies. Do not believe them. Do not let them stack one upon another until they are taller than the truth.

This morning at 5:45, I stumbled groggily to the kitchen and prepared a Valentine’s breakfast for the 13^th consecutive year. If you think that I am a shmoozy ladies man coaxing unsuspecting women into relationship with my cooking you would be half correct. There are not women, just one woman – Taryn and I are celebrating out 13^th Valentines Day together.

I am not a huge fan of the anxiety produced by a bunch of marketers and Hallmark executives and like Taryn said this morning “I think this day is a joke. Who cares…but please keep making me breakfast.”

Maybe you made your own breakfast today. I read yesterday in the New York Times that more and more people are living alone. One of the contributing authors said that this isolation was “chipping away at our humanity.” Studio apartments are not the enemy but the growing opinion that tenderness, empathy, and dependence are signs of weakness is a giant worth slaying.

There are plenty of things to loathe about Valentine’s Day (like how 13 years of pancake cooking experience does not make me exempt from burning the first two) but what I enjoy about today is that it reminds me that the primary way that I (perhaps its different for you) experience God’s love is through the love of others.

Living life to avoid dependence on others is tragic. We shouldn’t do that. Like our leg needs a knee and our head needs a neck, we need lots of people. So whether “its complicated” or it’s a 13-year relationship, celebrate your need of people today.

Here’s a list of those that I need. Who do you need?

Taryn – I need your curlz. And everything else.

Jordan – I need your jokes and your passion.

Blaine – I need your curiosity and invitation.

Jari – I need your questions.

Matt – I need your music. I need your reminders of who I am.

Parents – I need your wisdom, your kindness, and your email forwards.

Joshua, Steven, Adam, Mark, Kevin, Ryan – I need your ideas. I need your passion for the Gospel.

Gotwalt – I need to know what all of the kids are doing on the internet.

Who do you need? Can you tell them that today? What are the voices that tell you that you shouldn’t “need” others?